Freedom, Hope and Being Okay

 

Today, in the pre-dawn hours, after days of soul-searching, learning, thinking and talking to myself, with the help of professionals and a group of close friends willing to share and to allow me to expose my vulnerability and to expose theirs, and after months of intense emotions, surprising life developments, heart-rending pains, amazing discoveries and teachers, and memories that are indelibly etched into my mind, I made the greatest discovery of my life.

I discovered that the help of some very special and dear people whom I love without reservation had helped loosen a logjam or to crack the grim face of a mental mountain to allow the avalanche to occur. That river, that avalanche... that was the path to a place I never even imagined. The last two months have seen revealed to me things about myself that I was never able to say nor believe that were absolutely extraordinary.

The place that I had never imagined being I will name Freedom. Others may call it 'being enough' or 'radical acceptance' or 'finding inner peace' or 'knowing yourself'. For me, it will always be Freedom because the wonder I felt upon reaching this place was that I knew that I was free of a black pain and grief that had lurked within me for as long as I can remember.

I know that 'I will be okay'. Whatever comes in the near term future, I am absolutely sure I will be okay.

That does not mean I will not feel sadness where it is justified and genuine, nor that I will not have down spells or recidivist days. It does not mean I have the answer to every situation or problem.

It takes intense work repetitively over time to fully pave over unhealthy pathways. It takes understanding ones own needs and boundaries and understanding how to weed those gardens and to recognize personal limits. These are learned skills and there may be some further faltering.

I have recognized my fears: of loneliness, of abandonment, of unworthiness, of being a bad or horrible person, and of being inadequate to deserve or to ever be able to attract true love from someone with whom I wish to spend a life and whom I value and with whom I feel a deep spiritual and soulful connection.

I have recognized my needs:

• a great and overly intense need for emotional connection and deep emotional contact and belonging (everyone needs connection and belonging and love, but my needs were driven by my fear of ending up alone and my prior experiences being abandoned or hurt, leaving me so needy and agitated that I could not protect those around me from that need and the hurt it caused),
• my need to be able to love someone and be loved back which also was overly emphatic (driven by my fear of not being worthy of love or able to find it in this world and by my fear of being a horrible or bad person),
• and my need to recognize the great pool of unaddressed grief, pain, and emotional upset pooled within me as a result of failures of prior relationships and my acute sense of the pain and harm I have caused others I love and have loved.

I have recognized my low self-esteem and the difference between the rational knowledge and analysis wherein you recognize you are a decent, good person who means well, works to make the world a better place, who has integrity and honour and who has compassion and a great desire to help his friends and family and the emotional realization that one is enough as is (but may still pursue self-improvement) and is worthy and lovable and capable and worthwhile RIGHT NOW.

I have recognized patterns of thinking within myself that I have picked up inadvertently throughout life which have brought me and those dear to me pain and sadness:

• The excessive and relentless self-criticism that comes with trying to be perfect and to achieve some model of moral, ethical, emotional, and practical capability that is in both unhealthy and not realistic,
• the absorption of all negative emotions at the end of relationships and the directing of them inward in guilt and blame and shame,
• the self-dialogue and dialogue to others that was non-reflective of my heart, of my life values, and of my regard for the people around me,
• the tension in me that was driven by my fears and anxieties but which itself then exacerbated hurts in a feedback loop that would spiral out of control,
• my unconscious tendency to minimize my fears, the fears of others, the pain or grief I felt or others felt, or to try to fix every hurt in those I cared about in a desperate fashion when they were simply looking for some healthy support, empathy and understanding,
• and the pattern of soldiering on, of keeping up appearances, of holding myself to some notion of what an independent and competent person should be capable of regardless of how the deck was stacked at a particular moment and of not being able to see and accept who I am because I was too busy trying to be who I somehow thought I should be and thus failing to respect my own needs, sensitivities or heart and allowing this to also hurt those around me.

These patterns reinforced and stoked any fears and overly accentuated needs. I was not attending to myself and I could not understand how to do that. I would keep on going, I would survive, but it would be breathing and working and going through the motions, not whole-hearted and loving living.

I have recognized the need to own these things and have been able to make the emotional step within myself to own my pain, my grief, my needs, my fears and the patterns that have taken me to so many unhelpful and dark places. I have been able to release some of the anxieties and fears that were consuming me and to attenuate and reduce their power over me. I have been able to understand and accept that I need not follow the old harmful patterns and have started work to pave over them with new ones that are healthy and sustainable.

I have achieved this through the Love shown me by others, particularly one special person. Through that person, I was shown that I can be loved deeply, fully, for who I was at that moment, and that that love could be sincere, intense, strong and true.

Despite other troubles in the life of that special person that were legion, that person could and did connect with me, speak to me in ways I could never speak to myself, work to help me improve myself and be a better friend or partner for anyone, and to fight ferociously for what was between us with courage, intelligence, wisdom, skill, passion and compassion. There was a life-changing sharing of deep vulnerabilities and previously unspoken truths that could only happen in a safe, deeply loving environment between kindred spirits.

Other close friends have helped me and shown that Love by allowing me to share my vulnerability and by allowing themselves to share in return.

The net effect of that Love is that I have been forced to acknowledge I am lovable as I was (flaws and pains and all) and as I am and that I could find love and could be allowed to love whole-heartedly (as much as I was able at the time) in return.

That special person particularly and those other friends have given me a gift that combines the greatest aspects of epiphany, love, compassion, courage, whole-hearted living, deep connection and transformation. Joy has transformed me and I know that I can live whole-heartedly with continued work and self-esteem.

I am now able to:

• Feel my interior pool of grief, to experience it, and to own it but know that I can let it go as it is no longer necessary or helpful to me,
• own my fears and realize many are not founded on fact (I am lovable and can be loved and can be allowed to return it) and begin to seriously dent their power to compel behaviours not in line with my values or wishes and thus to reduce inadvertent pain dealt to those dear to me,
• own my own needs, recognize many of them and can work to identify the rest, recognize where further learning is required to figure out proper healthy boundaries and the maintenance of same, and to absolutely know that I can and WILL see to those needs for my own self, but in doing so will make myself a much better friend and partner and will be capable of living whole-heartedly,
• feel joy in my friends, in myself, for myself, and in my family without worrying about trying to be somebody living up to an artificial standard or who needs to achieve particular milestones to be loved,
• recognize the patterns of my behaviour which have been hurtful to me and others, to own them, and to begin to reshape them, to release the most hurtful and least useful,
• recognize my harsh inner critic and understand that the way I talk to myself and those around me has been damaging to me and to those around me, and recognize that healing this is both a requirement for myself as well as for the sake of those I care about, and to know that I don't need this criticism to be a whole and worthwhile person people can love and who can belong and love someone in return,
• to reach a peaceful place inside where I can exhibit patience, where I can listen to those who matter intently and actively, where I can talk less and hear more, and where I can focus on hearing the entire message (not just the words or sentences) and on responding carefully and with compassion and in an effective passion, and where I can just 'be' in the moment more often, quiet and enjoying myself, my life, and people I care about without having to fill the air with chatter driven by my fear I am not worthy of love,
• I know that whatever may come in the near term future or the long term future, I can love my friends unreservedly and believe in myself - I AM ENOUGH now and I will continue to work to solidify my gains, will work to share my joys, and to support and and show Gratitude and Love with those around me in a healthier fashion

I am not sure what a Christian religious experience would feel like (I don't think that is what happened here). I am sure that what I have experienced and the liberation, joy, and abiding love and gratitude that I have experienced make the word profound look grossly inadequate.

I do feel like an Angel has blessed me with wisdom, love, and a path to self-esteem and to letting my pains and hurts fade and to changing my self-talk and importantly how I interact with those around me to support them, love them, exhibit true compassion and care while attending to my own needs. I could not have made this progress without that and it is both an astounding lesson and a sign of the strength, heart, and soul of that special person.

There may be some particular things ahead that will bring me sadness, but I have found a way to also find a great joy in them, however they turn out. I will be able to take a joy in whatever comes knowing that it is the right thing and that the people I care so greatly about will be okay and that I will be not just okay, but absolutely fine.

There is a great sense of Freedom and a great Hope in casting off fears, in admitting you are lovable and can be allowed to love with a whole-heart, in learning to expose vulnerability and to connect deeply, in realizing you don't need to beat yourself up to be a good and worthwhile person, and in knowing you can learn ways to talk to yourself and your closest companions in more affirmative, helpful and supportive ways.

There is a great Joy and Gratitude in knowing that special people cared about you and care about you and have helped you recognize your true self.

There is also a great humility kindled by the unexpected breathtaking wonder of life and of the most special people in my world.