The Path To Whole-Heartedness: Not For The Faint Of Heart

 

Life seems to deal us varied hands at any given time. Or at least it does so to me.

I never seem to get a tremendously easy time but there often seems to be some wonderful things buried in the difficulties if one has the right mental perspective. I think the times I get way, way down at least in part are symptomatic of having lost the ability to dig for the good parts to be thankful for.

I'm down to 208.2 pounds, 50+ pounds lighter than my peak weight. I've donned a size L T-shirt I never thought I'd wear again and it fits reasonably. I suppose my next goal of 200 pounds may take some time to reach, but I seem to be going in the right direction.

I've got some friends going through tough times. One is recovering from a nasty bout of chemotherapy necessitated by Leukemia and followed up by some nasty bugs while his immune system was flatlined. Another is sad because an important thing didn't work out the way he'd wished, no fault of his own. A third is struggling with the aftermath of a relationship gone awry and finally being able to explore and discover her own true nature with all the challenges that go with that. Another is struggling with the fallout of a failed relationship and a crisis of self-worth in a far away land.

I find that I'm not very good at just empathizing with friends and maintaining emotional detachment. When a good friend is depressed, hurting, or very sad, I find myself feeling very sad for them. I always want to be able to help heal the wound or prevent any further injury, although I know that people must face their own challenges to be independent and healthy. Still, my natural inclination is to want to minimize harm and to care about the hurting.

Through the last year or so of surprisingly broad ranges of challenges, I have learned a lot about myself. Amidst that were quite a few things I never thought I would have a chance to experience and learn about. A lot of it has been hard emotional territory.

Learning about yourself is the only way to figure out who you really are, what you really want, and how you need to heal to be whole-hearted and have the last half of your life be as healthy and satisfying as possible. It's an expensive, hard, effort-laden and time-consuming bit of work. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, sad, desperate or even hopeless.

If you can turn your mind to look for the gratitude, to look for the things you've learned and achieved (one is often surprised by how much one has done if one looks back with a clear eye), and if you keep a strong focus on maintaining hope and pursuing the path, however windy, towards a hopeful, happy, optimistic future, that helps get you out of the darkness.

There are bad, bad days. At the same time, there have been great and singular gifts. There is a truth and a peace that comes from being able to see what you want and to reach for that.

I've got a lot of road still to walk. There are some awful parts ahead. I'll honestly admit some of the things that need to be undertaken or braved in order to pursue the hope for the future I want are quite terrifying. I have no idea yet how I'll get through some of them or how many failed attempts will precede any success. The fears and the doubts don't all conveniently pack up and depart even when you do become resolved to pursuing hope through tumultuous times.

The choice is straightforward: Give up and accept that you cannot be well, happy and whole-hearted. Or choose to walk the scary, dark, hard road that will move you slowly and haltingly towards that better place. That's one hell of a Hobson's choice, but one path leads nowhere and the other maybe, possibly, at some point, leads to the whole-hearted and whole life that is so worth pursuing.

My troubled friends and I are all walking this path, each with our own hurdles and each with differing strengths. We all have bad days. Sometimes it seems like the path is just too much and we'll never manage it. That's where it is nice to have a friend to remind you of how far you have traveled, all that you have achieved, and to remind you that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm very lucky to have a supportive family and so many good friends. They help keep me going in the tough times. Love is such a very important piece of my life and a whole-hearted life is a goal worth all the risks.

 
 

Unforseen Wonders

These last months have been a cyclone of activities, crises, emotions, discoveries, fears, and joys. If you had asked me 7 months ago, I could not have imagined the future of that moment unfolding as it has. If I could have, I have no idea how I would have taken it in or even fathomed it. I certainly would not have had any idea what path to take forward.

I can only thank God that I could not see 90% of the iceberg as I may, as the man I was then, have been fearful. I would like to think I would have still had the courage to go forward, but I cannot know.

If I had not had the courage, I would have missed out on much that has been physically and emotionally challenging ( although that word hardly does any justice to the experience). I would have missed out on some hurts and fears, as well as a lot of ambiguity and confusion.

If I had not had the courage, I would have missed so many parts of the experience which were and continue to be profound, healing, perspective expanding, joyous, educational, and inspiring. I would have never discovered so many new and amazing aspects of my heart, brain, and soul. I would have not discovered life without judging, with self-esteem, with a belief in life worth truly living. I would never have discovered that a person undergoing trauma could find it in themselves to truly see another and to help them heal and see themselves anew in a healthy way.

I have been in an increasingly dark place over the last fifteen years. But a light shone through the darkness and showed me a path out, a path to the light. It is not an easy path, far from it. But I tread that tough path willingly and with a sense of peace when I can hold my Demons at bay. It is a path to an uncertain future, but I feel like I am on the path I have chosen freely yet also on the path Destiny has always intended for me.

Along the way, I have met two wonderful kids, learned so much I never had a chance to before, and have found out life is really worth the effort and that I am a lot better and more capable in so many ways than I ever believed before. Hopefully, I have helped two friends and two great kids along the way.  Every bit of these months, hard or easy, has been an irreplaceable and priceless gift.

I have a profound gratitude and sense of wonder. Whatever the future holds, I want to walk the path that Destiny and choice dictate. It'll be a great trip. Nothing could be more wonderful.

Thanks.

Remain Calm and Carry On

 

On January 9th, 2013, Mary Douglas Barclay turned 78 years of age. Age and infirmity may be her lot (and a bitterly painful lot at that), but she continues to try to maintain a positive demeanor and to give the world back at least as good as she gets.

I have to especially note that I am happy to have her with Dad and I (we've been very fortunate to all make it so long together having such a small family). Whenever I need an inspiration and an example of courage, endurance, and basic decency, I need look no further than my Mother.

In these later days of my life, my family has been incredibly supportive during my troubled times and for that I am and will remain eternally grateful. To them, no blame or fault attaches for the troubles I face now - they did their best with what they knew at the time and whatever became of me was the sum of my particular genetics, my particular experience, and a lifetime of things of which their contribution was an important but hardly the only component. Their support has been unstinting and generally compassionate if somewhat perplexed at times. When the chips have been really down, their support has never wavered. That is beyond price to me.

I wish I could ease some of Mother's suffering and pain, but the best I can do is distract her occasionally. I'd love to allay her worries about me; I am still slogging through deep, challenging places, but I just feel like things are going to end well.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for all you've done, for all you've given me, for the traits you transmitted to me of compassion, of strength of character, of intelligence, of decency and integrity, and of the courage to have my own opinions and mind and to speak it, even when it disagreed with our own most dearly held opinions. These are gifts that have helped make me who I am and for which no repayment would be adequate. But you have my everlasting gratitude in any event....

 
 

Farewell, Old Friend

 

On December 31st, our family had to euthanize our cat Wally. It was a hard decision for my parents to make and Wally's absence leaves a huge hole in all of our lives and hearts. For a stray cat, he was a kind-spirited creature with a great sensitivity for when someone was having a bad day or was in low spirits.

I know he was well cared for and we did the best thing by him at each step along his journey with us, but I must say he left a mark on me that no cat since the original stray, old Puss. Wally was social and affectionate from the very first, as was old Puss, and both were gentle spirits.

I've broken down a couple of times and I know both my mother and father have as well. I suppose in my case, things could be impacted by my current emotional vulnerability, but he was a good companion and I hope, if there is a Heaven, that I will see him there one day.

I'm not strongly religious, but I said a prayer to ask a merciful God to see to it that Wally was kept warm, well-fed, and cared-for and that he got to know sunny days and play without the cares and infirmities of age again. I figure it can't hurt to wish for the best for my companion, even if that's all it ends up being.

If there is any lesson here, it is love those dear to you every day because you never know when their span will be over (or your own will).