Farewell, Old Friend

 

On December 31st, our family had to euthanize our cat Wally. It was a hard decision for my parents to make and Wally's absence leaves a huge hole in all of our lives and hearts. For a stray cat, he was a kind-spirited creature with a great sensitivity for when someone was having a bad day or was in low spirits.

I know he was well cared for and we did the best thing by him at each step along his journey with us, but I must say he left a mark on me that no cat since the original stray, old Puss. Wally was social and affectionate from the very first, as was old Puss, and both were gentle spirits.

I've broken down a couple of times and I know both my mother and father have as well. I suppose in my case, things could be impacted by my current emotional vulnerability, but he was a good companion and I hope, if there is a Heaven, that I will see him there one day.

I'm not strongly religious, but I said a prayer to ask a merciful God to see to it that Wally was kept warm, well-fed, and cared-for and that he got to know sunny days and play without the cares and infirmities of age again. I figure it can't hurt to wish for the best for my companion, even if that's all it ends up being.

If there is any lesson here, it is love those dear to you every day because you never know when their span will be over (or your own will).

 
 

New Year's Resolutions

 

I have been thinking about the incoming year, about the outgoing year, and about what would be the best sorts of thing to try to resolve to achieve in the new year. Here is the list I've come up with so far:

• Clean my apartment up so I can once again have visitors, watch movies, play games, have a member of the fairer sex over, and otherwise just have a functional living space again that is not a mess simply constantly reminding me of all the things in my life that are backlogged, clogged up, or a problem to be waded through. A clear space will help by providing a refuge from the list of piled up woes and a place to work on them (or on other fun things when I need that) instead.
• Get my financial house in order. Take stock of where I am, pay the bills I can, plan a schedule for dealing with the others, and get my tax situation truly in hand. Admittedly, this is a huge task (not logistically, although that is a non-trivial element, but emotionally because of the panic attack/anxiety/instant emotional disregulation I get whenever I attempt to work on this). This task is critical, but it is also very hard since I have to unwire my brain's pattern that triggers the panic or despair when I go to face this task.
• Slowly work at the post-traumatic trauma that I have with a professional helping me. There's a lot of hurt, sadness, loss, and fear tied up here and I'll have to poke at it in chunks to avoid being completely overcome. I don't expect this effort to be easy and I do expect it to mean I have to spend a bunch of time alone processing or just trying to rebuild myself or distract after having processed some of this painful stuff. I know that processing it is the only healthy path and the only path to putting myself into a better place for my own sake and for the sake of any relationship I'd ever like to have with anyone.
• To meditate more and breathe (misogi) in order to help calm my physical, emotional and spiritual selves.
• To try to be in the moment when doing something fun with friends so as to be able to enjoy the event in the here and now rather than fretting about the future or bemoaning the past.
• To continue to help the friends I have who are going through tough times as well as I am able while respecting my own currently reduced capacities. The instinct to help and to try to alleviate suffering is always there, but I have to respect my own limits so that I can effectively assist in the places I choose to try. If I try to do too much, I won't be able to do anything useful for anyone and won't do my own health any favours either.
• To love my friends, my family, my furry friends, and all of the wonderful kids I know with an open heart and with an allowance for their need to be unique and follow their own paths to their choice of a future. I need to continue to have and to share my warmest feelings but I also need to be able to allow those I choose to care about to choose their own paths and to develop into what they need to become rather than what I need them to be. Hopefully, they can do the same for me.
• To continue to lose weight. I'm down from 258-259 to 218.6 now. That's about 40 pounds down so far as a result of more physical activity, a somewhat reduced caloric intake, changing my diet away from carbs and dairy, and perhaps a little bit of a side effect of illness (that part not so hot, I understand). This is more weight loss than I have ever managed on a diet or diet plus excercise program I have ever tried (and I have tried many) and I am not on any diet. My target weight right now is 200 pounds. I should probably get down to 165-180 according to the BMI folks, but I'll be happy getting back under 200. I bought my first size M piece of clothing in decades recently.... and my recent business suits are falling off me as are many pairs of pants, I'm punching holes in belts, and XXL shirts hang way too lose on me!

My old friend Wally is likely to be euthanised and given his final peace on Monday. We must be kind to him in his fading moments as we were to him in life and not prolong his life selfishly simply because we will miss him so very much. He has been a great companion, a kind soul, and he deserves whatever kindness we may return.

Wally, I am glad to have had you as part of my life.