Lieutenant-Commander Brunner, RCN: Media Personality

Today at 6 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on nationwide TV on Canada AM, lieutenant commander Robert Brunner, RCN, was interviewed about the progress and activities of the Canadian Disaster Assistance Response Team in the Philippines in response to Hurricane Haiyan. Audio only for the interview,  link here.

The interview covered the activities of the team in the last week and the arrival of the new helicopters and the coming online off water purification facilities.

Robert explained that the teams have been getting out into the rural areas and the coastal areas where the devastation was the worst and also attending disaster shelters to attempt medical assistance.

Robert explained the activities of the engineers and other technical folk in route clearance to free up roads from storm damage and downed power lines.

Robert further explained that the local governor had a good disaster response plan and this explains why they were not as many casualties in penne as there were in other locations but that the devastation was equal otherwise.

The interviewer asked why the Canadians were in the Roxas and on Panay Island. Robert explained that this was the place the Philippine government asked us to be and that we were as necessary in this location because of the devastation as we would have been in any of the other hard hit areas that were under the primary storm track.

The interview was well executed and Robert deserves recognition for doing a competent and professional job and for giving Canadians a good idea what our Canadian Forces are doing.

I think Alex and Jack, my two Godsons - Rob's little guys - can be proud of their dad.

Life Is Never Boring

This last week has been a mix of good and bad for me, just like the rest of the world, although for more personal reasons. The academic things I've struggled through to complete (two exams) have ended well (92% and 100%). On the other hand, the medical file has taken a turn for the more painful. On the third hand, I've arranged two sets of docs to be looking at my health. On the fourth hand, things are going well with my sweet heart. It really is a mixed bag.

Last Wednesday night, I started to get sore in the kidneys. I've had this on and off the last year, short bouts that were usually addressed with drinking a bunch of water and sometimes with a tylenol 1. The feeling is generally more like an ache than a stabbing pain and usually isn't severe enough to do more than make you uncomfortable.

What came Wednesday was more pronounced although still not stabbing. It was not amenable to tylenol 1s or enough water (1.5 - 2 liters a day exclusive of other fluids) as it kept up. It disrupted my sleeping patterns pretty badly. By Friday, it wasn't relenting, so I went to see the walk-in doctor and she said I should talk to my urologist again to see if I was within the 1 year follow-up period to avoid a new referral. That's about all they can do since walk-in clinics here don't prescribe anything strong enough to dent a real attack.

Wednesday through Sunday were times I was supposed to be writing 4 exams in my Java Enterprise Developer course. I tried studying, but I couldn't sit in one position for long and any posture other than prone was not very good. I was reading lines in the text 3 to 5 times trying to make much sense of them and retention and recall were significantly sub par. I didn't get to do much useful studying until  Saturday night and I should have been completed 3 of the 4 exams by then.

Sunday, I did study for an successfully execute two of the tests. The water loading helped a bit... I was sore but managed a 23 hour day of work. I did part of a third test, but the combination of fatigue, long-form answers, the kidney twinging, and my recently-sliced up and not yet fully healed finger meant I wasn't completing the test in the time allocated. My typing accuracy was poor with the finger and my speed is way down and the long form answers requiring very precise syntax were just not being completed in any sort of timely fashion.

I never did get to that 4th exam at all.

Provisions are being made to let me have some more time on the 3rd and to take the 4th. The college has a mostly-sane policy of requiring a doctor's note, but that meant another office visit and the walk-in doctor can't say too much other than 'patient was unwell this date to that date'.

I have an appointment to see the urologist again on the 26th of November which is great (assuming I don't get a full-fledged stone attack before then). I have an appointment with a new G.P. on the 2nd of December when he becomes my G.P. Hopefully one of these two steps will result in my getting sufficient painkillers to weather any attacks at home (has to be something like morphine as weaker stuff just can't control the pain of a full fledged attack and apparently the pain actually impedes the passing of the stone).

If anything happens between now and then, it'll be off to emergency. Today, the kidney has been (at least in the morning) more sharply painful and I've got some radiated discomfort. That's the kind of sensations I had when I did have a stone doing its thing in my kidney last year which is part of what has me a bit worried about another full-fledged attack.

I've put myself on an alpha blocker (leftover from last year) called Teva-Terasozin to help dilate the kidney passages. Hopefully that'll help.

Catherine is kind of scared by this whole thing and I get that. It's unpleasant. But people live with this stuff (stay home, medicate when there is an attack) for decades. It's no fun, but it is a well-understood thing. I wouldn't even worry about going to the hospital if I had sufficient pain meds at home, but the concerns about people abusing narcotics (possibly valid) have made prescriptions hard to come by and thus the walk-in clinics can't help.

The school and I will come to an accommodation. My kidney and I will survive this. I'm still lucky to have Catherine, overall health, and good friends and family and to be studying interesting stuff at school. I'm not letting this dampen my sense of life being a good thing.

Java Enterprise Architect at Algonquin - First Exams

 

Four tests, each allegedly worth 17% of their respective courses, were written by me a week and a half ago, with another set of four (worth another 16% per course) to be written this week.

So far, my results are

• Advanced Java: 100% (17 out of 17 of 100% final course aggregate)
• Web Services with Java and XML: 100% (17 out of 17 of 100% final course aggregate)
• Web Services using Enterprise Java Beans and Java Beans: 100% (17 out of 17 of 100% final course aggregate)
• Web Services using Servlets and Java Server Pages: 80% (13.6 out of 17 of 100% final course aggregate) - missed one answer because I misread an article that I thought suggested an exception where none existed, missed another and not sure what the right answer was.

Pretty happy with those results. Lots to do this week and new exams to be written Fri/Sat/Sun. Busy short week!

 
 

Getting An Education

 

Java Enterprise Developer

That's what they call my new certificate program. Takes 6 courses. I'm taking 4 at once and challenging the other two. Plan to finish the whole thing up by end of December. Registering two days after registration closed was just the start of the fun...

I looked around for textbooks based on last years course information. I made several command decisions to purchase newer iterations of the recommended texts. As it turns out, the courses are using the newer texts, but the bookstore isn't stocking some of them (apparently they don't think one of the courses has a text....). I also got 4 texts in eBook form. Unfortunately, two of them I can't get onto my Android Phone & Tablet because they are in a Secure PDF format. I could get the Secure ePubs, but not these others and I've so far had 3 unsatisfying interactions with Kobo tech support to try to find a solution.

Then there is the matter of getting computers set up. My newest one is out on loan and has been for a time. It should come back next week. I'm using a little Linux box (Atom, 4 Gb RAM, 60 Gb solid state drive, 1 working USB port) as my computer. My main desktop is down with some sort of hardware issue, but whether the crashes are memory, motherboard/cpu, gpu, or hard disk is hard to know. Could even be the power supply. My netbook died last fall and was not repairable. My older laptop lost its network port last fall. My spare (older) development box is now old enough that loading modern web pages causes it to hang up. Somewhere, I need a couple of computers with appropriate software setups.

Being online courses, there is a whole new package of fancy eLearning stufff to absorb. They use a large enterprise web app called blackboard and this integrates forum, real-time chat, email, statis web presentation of lab/course materials, contact info, calendars, homework submission, etc. And then there's all the course material and textbooks for 4 courses.

By sometime next week, hopefully most of the environment needed to get on with things will be present.

I am really looking forward to these courses.

 
 

 

Dean Brody Concert

Catherine and I attended the Dean Brody Concert on 3 OCT 2013 at the Algonquin College Commons Theatre. The tickets were reasonable for a major star and I understand the place was sold out. I was taking Catherine out as a belated present for her Birthday (which happened a week or two before we moved to face-to-face dates, and thus I wasn't able to celebrate with her).

The concert opened with a warm-up act I didn't know, but did enjoy. That singer and his band weren't as good as Dean and his guys, but they have some talent.

Dean and his guys (the 'Brodeo' apparently) put on a good show. The guitarist is very talented and I thought the drummer was good too. Dean sings well and made a point to be interactive with the crowd. He also drew on his knowledge of the college life (noting most of the audience was College students, I think that was a good call) and related stories about his own time in College and his own experience coming from a small town.

Dean and the band did a variety of enjoyable tunes whose names I don't know yet. During his set, he did Footloose and I was instantly singing along and feeling a Kevin Bacon moment. He also sang a song mentioning Bob Marley and then broke into an actual Bob Marley song (which he rendered very well, I thought).

I was most impressed by the song "Brothers", a tribute to soldiers. He took the time to talk about his respect for members of the military who protected our country and had to be separated from their families for 6, 12, 18 months or more or who never came back. He handled this with class. He finished the regular set with "Canadian Girls" which, along with being a rocking sort of tune, pays respects to our female military members. I think Dean is a class act for doing this.

Catherine and I had a great time. There was probably some cuddling, nuzzling and kissing, but I won't tell. It was a good experience and I'd go to watch Dean again.

I have pictures and videos to post sometime soon when I have a chance. Will post on this blog some links.

 
 

Sapphire Anniversary

August 31st, 2013 saw the milestone of 45 years of marriage for Mr. Robert Andrew Barclay and Mrs. Mary Douglas Barclay.

I salute both of these survivors for their courage, tenacity, and love for one another. Neither alone could have managed the trials of recent years.

I hope one day to look back on a relationship of decades myself.

Friendship

 

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
Ray Bradbury

To be capable of steady friendship or lasting love, are the two greatest proofs, not only of goodness of heart, but of strength of mind.
William Hazlitt

I think in friendship, you want to be there for your friend, and sometimes you just don't know what to do or the relationship you have with them is not clear enough for you to know what to do.
Marion Cotillard

When friendship disappears then there is a space left open to that awful loneliness of the outside world which is like the cold space between the planets. It is an air in which men perish utterly.
Hilaire Belloc

Came but for friendship, and took away love.
Thomas Moore

 
 

The Void Within: The Faces of Emptiness

 

Emptiness. The emptiness of the void between worlds. The emptiness of a darkness after a great light has been extinguished. The emptiness of a heart after its true soul-kin has been lost to it and part of it has been lost therewith.

This is what some emptiness feels like; Such emptiness is cold, dark, hurtful, lonely, solitary, and depressing. This is the emptiness of always wanting to look beside you for a friend who is no longer there. This is the emptiness of knowing that the dreams you once entertained have been consumed by some Fell Beast of the Abyss, devoid of mercy, reason or compassion.

But there is another kind of emptiness. The emptiness that is left once a great fire burns out. The emptiness that brings with it the greatest stillness, without fear, expectation, intrusive thought, tension, or pain. The emptiness that is the result of the Refiner's Fire, forging you anew, burning away the unessential, the no longer possible, and the desperation that lived in chasing a phantasm of faint hope with every fiber of being. This is the emptiness that is left when the wound is cauterized, where the truth settles in - not to acceptance for some things may never reach such a state, but instead to a weighty co-existence.

Our military has a saying one man, one kit. This refers to the need for each of us to carry his own gear, all he needs, and to learn to make do with what he carries. This also refers to the fact that each man's burden is his own. His path is his own as is the load that he must carry.

My heart drives me to do things in line with its sense of values. My brain begs me to check with it first to ensure it concurs - sometimes my heart allows for this nicety, other times it will brook no dissent. But in all cases, no matter how hard the road or how tough the truth, I have known that the truth is the only thing that can liberate us and that the hard road is often the right road if one wishes to live ones values.

In this instance, I must yield the greatest wishes of the heart: to reach out, to salvage some good from the ashes of all that was and could have been, to reconnect and rebuild a trust, to have truths about my experience, my actions and my thoughts be understood, to heal the most horrible of hurts and to reach a person with whom I had a truly special, singular and transformative relationship. I must yield these because, as weak as I feel and as shaky as I am, I can do this.

The sort of friend we all should have has been blunt, caring, and has spoken with the voice of personal experience. He has explained to me the power and the scope of a traumatic past and the evoked trauma. He has explained to me that, at certain phases along the path of healing and with enough other painful matters of great necessity in play, it was more important for the afflicted soul to have their experience validated and acknowledged rather than gently nudged towards greater accordance with the full list of pertinent facts. It is necessary because of the awfulness of the evoked trauma and because acknowledging that the truth may be more than what the evoked trauma could perceive would have much in common with a further injury, which the brain, in its not so bright but powerful way, would prevent. This prevention would come at the cost of good memories repressed or, worse yet and horrifying to boot, prior good memories may actually be re-contextualized to take on a very different and dark cast, so that the brain can protect the wounded soul from further difficult experiences. And of course, any of this activity would itself come with great emotional upset and pain.

With no odds of success in my fondest wish, in the most important endeavour in my entire life, I am left with only the great likelihood of causing further harm and injury. That is not acceptable to my values nor to the great care I bear for a wounded friend, now lost to me for now and perhaps forever. It is not acceptable to the memory of what we had, which I must preserve if she cannot recall things in all of their splendour and wonder. I can do this, because to not do this - hardest of things - would be to willingly cause her hurt for a negligible chance of success.

I have never wanted to hurt her. I have hated, with the entirety of my rarely-seen incandescent, implacable anger, those who had hurt her previously. I had wept openly in impotent rage and deep empathy for her hurt. I could not knowingly hurt her, now, then or ever. For, whatever my flaws, a lack of willingness to take the harder road and face the harder truths has never been my failing.

I have my pack. I am loading the largest rocks I have ever known into it. Soon, I will be donning it and moving on. To where? I know not, I am empty. With what goal or purpose? I am unsure, except that I know I must strive to record and remember all of the good memories on the off chance that she will one day be healed enough to be reminded of them. I am also sure that I must honour her wish to have her story told, but it will be told in a format that will protect her privacy, yet still satisfy her desire to have her tale educate others about the experiences she has lived.

I am empty. But in that emptiness, there is a peace. The knots have eased a bit, the heart no longer feels so tight in the chest, the stomach no longer quivers with nausea so much, and the sense of desperate purpose is gone. Possibility opens before me. I am not yet ready to seize it with great panache, but I am ready to acknowledge that moving on is the last, best thing I can do for her; To give her her peace, her chance to heal, and hope that one day she will wish to talk and rekindle some connection. I will not pin a hope on it, for that would be putting myself on tenter's hooks. But if it ever were to transpire, I would hear her, whatever she wished to say and however hard that was to hear, with deep care, esteem and respect. I bear no anger for my fate; It was always the risk of the path we trod and it was not the action of the person I cared deeply about. My anger shall always be reserved for those who wounded her before she could defend herself. For her, I have only care, empathy, and esteem.

One last worthy note: She is the best mother I have ever met, working harder for and with her kids than any other mother I have seen and loving them more than life. She has the most positive attitude towards life, caring, compassionate, open to nuance and grey areas, and open-minded and questioning, seeking to know herself and the world with an honest heart. A soul of exceptional wonder and a singular beauty that starts at that soul and radiates. I mean this when I say she is the best human being I have ever known. When I spent time with her, I was a far better version of myself.

She is not replaceable. My great care and belief in her will never erode. I choose to hope that time will find a way to heal the wounds she has. I believe in her and know her to be worthy. I will miss her in my life like I would miss oxygen.

But I will do what is kindest, best, and least likely to cause further hurt to her. I will do this because, even if I am not strong, my care for her is that strong and will keep me on my feet and on the path despite the rocks in my pack. I will live my values, cry as I will, hurt as I must, but there will be no surrender. I will never surrender my hope for her. I will take that, as I will take our memories, with me throughout my life.

She helped me out of my darkest place while she was amidst her own. She changed my whole way of speaking to myself, of looking at the world and of believing in myself. No thanks will ever be sufficient.

Fare thee well, Arwen Evenstar. I will miss you. And I will pray, each night, for your safety, peace, and healing.

I am empty, but I am whole. I will honour your gifts. I will walk towards the Light.

 
 

The Path To Whole-Heartedness: Not For The Faint Of Heart

 

Life seems to deal us varied hands at any given time. Or at least it does so to me.

I never seem to get a tremendously easy time but there often seems to be some wonderful things buried in the difficulties if one has the right mental perspective. I think the times I get way, way down at least in part are symptomatic of having lost the ability to dig for the good parts to be thankful for.

I'm down to 208.2 pounds, 50+ pounds lighter than my peak weight. I've donned a size L T-shirt I never thought I'd wear again and it fits reasonably. I suppose my next goal of 200 pounds may take some time to reach, but I seem to be going in the right direction.

I've got some friends going through tough times. One is recovering from a nasty bout of chemotherapy necessitated by Leukemia and followed up by some nasty bugs while his immune system was flatlined. Another is sad because an important thing didn't work out the way he'd wished, no fault of his own. A third is struggling with the aftermath of a relationship gone awry and finally being able to explore and discover her own true nature with all the challenges that go with that. Another is struggling with the fallout of a failed relationship and a crisis of self-worth in a far away land.

I find that I'm not very good at just empathizing with friends and maintaining emotional detachment. When a good friend is depressed, hurting, or very sad, I find myself feeling very sad for them. I always want to be able to help heal the wound or prevent any further injury, although I know that people must face their own challenges to be independent and healthy. Still, my natural inclination is to want to minimize harm and to care about the hurting.

Through the last year or so of surprisingly broad ranges of challenges, I have learned a lot about myself. Amidst that were quite a few things I never thought I would have a chance to experience and learn about. A lot of it has been hard emotional territory.

Learning about yourself is the only way to figure out who you really are, what you really want, and how you need to heal to be whole-hearted and have the last half of your life be as healthy and satisfying as possible. It's an expensive, hard, effort-laden and time-consuming bit of work. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, sad, desperate or even hopeless.

If you can turn your mind to look for the gratitude, to look for the things you've learned and achieved (one is often surprised by how much one has done if one looks back with a clear eye), and if you keep a strong focus on maintaining hope and pursuing the path, however windy, towards a hopeful, happy, optimistic future, that helps get you out of the darkness.

There are bad, bad days. At the same time, there have been great and singular gifts. There is a truth and a peace that comes from being able to see what you want and to reach for that.

I've got a lot of road still to walk. There are some awful parts ahead. I'll honestly admit some of the things that need to be undertaken or braved in order to pursue the hope for the future I want are quite terrifying. I have no idea yet how I'll get through some of them or how many failed attempts will precede any success. The fears and the doubts don't all conveniently pack up and depart even when you do become resolved to pursuing hope through tumultuous times.

The choice is straightforward: Give up and accept that you cannot be well, happy and whole-hearted. Or choose to walk the scary, dark, hard road that will move you slowly and haltingly towards that better place. That's one hell of a Hobson's choice, but one path leads nowhere and the other maybe, possibly, at some point, leads to the whole-hearted and whole life that is so worth pursuing.

My troubled friends and I are all walking this path, each with our own hurdles and each with differing strengths. We all have bad days. Sometimes it seems like the path is just too much and we'll never manage it. That's where it is nice to have a friend to remind you of how far you have traveled, all that you have achieved, and to remind you that tomorrow is a new day.

I'm very lucky to have a supportive family and so many good friends. They help keep me going in the tough times. Love is such a very important piece of my life and a whole-hearted life is a goal worth all the risks.

 
 

Unforseen Wonders

These last months have been a cyclone of activities, crises, emotions, discoveries, fears, and joys. If you had asked me 7 months ago, I could not have imagined the future of that moment unfolding as it has. If I could have, I have no idea how I would have taken it in or even fathomed it. I certainly would not have had any idea what path to take forward.

I can only thank God that I could not see 90% of the iceberg as I may, as the man I was then, have been fearful. I would like to think I would have still had the courage to go forward, but I cannot know.

If I had not had the courage, I would have missed out on much that has been physically and emotionally challenging ( although that word hardly does any justice to the experience). I would have missed out on some hurts and fears, as well as a lot of ambiguity and confusion.

If I had not had the courage, I would have missed so many parts of the experience which were and continue to be profound, healing, perspective expanding, joyous, educational, and inspiring. I would have never discovered so many new and amazing aspects of my heart, brain, and soul. I would have not discovered life without judging, with self-esteem, with a belief in life worth truly living. I would never have discovered that a person undergoing trauma could find it in themselves to truly see another and to help them heal and see themselves anew in a healthy way.

I have been in an increasingly dark place over the last fifteen years. But a light shone through the darkness and showed me a path out, a path to the light. It is not an easy path, far from it. But I tread that tough path willingly and with a sense of peace when I can hold my Demons at bay. It is a path to an uncertain future, but I feel like I am on the path I have chosen freely yet also on the path Destiny has always intended for me.

Along the way, I have met two wonderful kids, learned so much I never had a chance to before, and have found out life is really worth the effort and that I am a lot better and more capable in so many ways than I ever believed before. Hopefully, I have helped two friends and two great kids along the way.  Every bit of these months, hard or easy, has been an irreplaceable and priceless gift.

I have a profound gratitude and sense of wonder. Whatever the future holds, I want to walk the path that Destiny and choice dictate. It'll be a great trip. Nothing could be more wonderful.

Thanks.

Remain Calm and Carry On

 

On January 9th, 2013, Mary Douglas Barclay turned 78 years of age. Age and infirmity may be her lot (and a bitterly painful lot at that), but she continues to try to maintain a positive demeanor and to give the world back at least as good as she gets.

I have to especially note that I am happy to have her with Dad and I (we've been very fortunate to all make it so long together having such a small family). Whenever I need an inspiration and an example of courage, endurance, and basic decency, I need look no further than my Mother.

In these later days of my life, my family has been incredibly supportive during my troubled times and for that I am and will remain eternally grateful. To them, no blame or fault attaches for the troubles I face now - they did their best with what they knew at the time and whatever became of me was the sum of my particular genetics, my particular experience, and a lifetime of things of which their contribution was an important but hardly the only component. Their support has been unstinting and generally compassionate if somewhat perplexed at times. When the chips have been really down, their support has never wavered. That is beyond price to me.

I wish I could ease some of Mother's suffering and pain, but the best I can do is distract her occasionally. I'd love to allay her worries about me; I am still slogging through deep, challenging places, but I just feel like things are going to end well.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for all you've done, for all you've given me, for the traits you transmitted to me of compassion, of strength of character, of intelligence, of decency and integrity, and of the courage to have my own opinions and mind and to speak it, even when it disagreed with our own most dearly held opinions. These are gifts that have helped make me who I am and for which no repayment would be adequate. But you have my everlasting gratitude in any event....

 
 

New Year's Resolutions

 

I have been thinking about the incoming year, about the outgoing year, and about what would be the best sorts of thing to try to resolve to achieve in the new year. Here is the list I've come up with so far:

• Clean my apartment up so I can once again have visitors, watch movies, play games, have a member of the fairer sex over, and otherwise just have a functional living space again that is not a mess simply constantly reminding me of all the things in my life that are backlogged, clogged up, or a problem to be waded through. A clear space will help by providing a refuge from the list of piled up woes and a place to work on them (or on other fun things when I need that) instead.
• Get my financial house in order. Take stock of where I am, pay the bills I can, plan a schedule for dealing with the others, and get my tax situation truly in hand. Admittedly, this is a huge task (not logistically, although that is a non-trivial element, but emotionally because of the panic attack/anxiety/instant emotional disregulation I get whenever I attempt to work on this). This task is critical, but it is also very hard since I have to unwire my brain's pattern that triggers the panic or despair when I go to face this task.
• Slowly work at the post-traumatic trauma that I have with a professional helping me. There's a lot of hurt, sadness, loss, and fear tied up here and I'll have to poke at it in chunks to avoid being completely overcome. I don't expect this effort to be easy and I do expect it to mean I have to spend a bunch of time alone processing or just trying to rebuild myself or distract after having processed some of this painful stuff. I know that processing it is the only healthy path and the only path to putting myself into a better place for my own sake and for the sake of any relationship I'd ever like to have with anyone.
• To meditate more and breathe (misogi) in order to help calm my physical, emotional and spiritual selves.
• To try to be in the moment when doing something fun with friends so as to be able to enjoy the event in the here and now rather than fretting about the future or bemoaning the past.
• To continue to help the friends I have who are going through tough times as well as I am able while respecting my own currently reduced capacities. The instinct to help and to try to alleviate suffering is always there, but I have to respect my own limits so that I can effectively assist in the places I choose to try. If I try to do too much, I won't be able to do anything useful for anyone and won't do my own health any favours either.
• To love my friends, my family, my furry friends, and all of the wonderful kids I know with an open heart and with an allowance for their need to be unique and follow their own paths to their choice of a future. I need to continue to have and to share my warmest feelings but I also need to be able to allow those I choose to care about to choose their own paths and to develop into what they need to become rather than what I need them to be. Hopefully, they can do the same for me.
• To continue to lose weight. I'm down from 258-259 to 218.6 now. That's about 40 pounds down so far as a result of more physical activity, a somewhat reduced caloric intake, changing my diet away from carbs and dairy, and perhaps a little bit of a side effect of illness (that part not so hot, I understand). This is more weight loss than I have ever managed on a diet or diet plus excercise program I have ever tried (and I have tried many) and I am not on any diet. My target weight right now is 200 pounds. I should probably get down to 165-180 according to the BMI folks, but I'll be happy getting back under 200. I bought my first size M piece of clothing in decades recently.... and my recent business suits are falling off me as are many pairs of pants, I'm punching holes in belts, and XXL shirts hang way too lose on me!

My old friend Wally is likely to be euthanised and given his final peace on Monday. We must be kind to him in his fading moments as we were to him in life and not prolong his life selfishly simply because we will miss him so very much. He has been a great companion, a kind soul, and he deserves whatever kindness we may return.

Wally, I am glad to have had you as part of my life.