New Year's Resolutions

 

I have been thinking about the incoming year, about the outgoing year, and about what would be the best sorts of thing to try to resolve to achieve in the new year. Here is the list I've come up with so far:

• Clean my apartment up so I can once again have visitors, watch movies, play games, have a member of the fairer sex over, and otherwise just have a functional living space again that is not a mess simply constantly reminding me of all the things in my life that are backlogged, clogged up, or a problem to be waded through. A clear space will help by providing a refuge from the list of piled up woes and a place to work on them (or on other fun things when I need that) instead.
• Get my financial house in order. Take stock of where I am, pay the bills I can, plan a schedule for dealing with the others, and get my tax situation truly in hand. Admittedly, this is a huge task (not logistically, although that is a non-trivial element, but emotionally because of the panic attack/anxiety/instant emotional disregulation I get whenever I attempt to work on this). This task is critical, but it is also very hard since I have to unwire my brain's pattern that triggers the panic or despair when I go to face this task.
• Slowly work at the post-traumatic trauma that I have with a professional helping me. There's a lot of hurt, sadness, loss, and fear tied up here and I'll have to poke at it in chunks to avoid being completely overcome. I don't expect this effort to be easy and I do expect it to mean I have to spend a bunch of time alone processing or just trying to rebuild myself or distract after having processed some of this painful stuff. I know that processing it is the only healthy path and the only path to putting myself into a better place for my own sake and for the sake of any relationship I'd ever like to have with anyone.
• To meditate more and breathe (misogi) in order to help calm my physical, emotional and spiritual selves.
• To try to be in the moment when doing something fun with friends so as to be able to enjoy the event in the here and now rather than fretting about the future or bemoaning the past.
• To continue to help the friends I have who are going through tough times as well as I am able while respecting my own currently reduced capacities. The instinct to help and to try to alleviate suffering is always there, but I have to respect my own limits so that I can effectively assist in the places I choose to try. If I try to do too much, I won't be able to do anything useful for anyone and won't do my own health any favours either.
• To love my friends, my family, my furry friends, and all of the wonderful kids I know with an open heart and with an allowance for their need to be unique and follow their own paths to their choice of a future. I need to continue to have and to share my warmest feelings but I also need to be able to allow those I choose to care about to choose their own paths and to develop into what they need to become rather than what I need them to be. Hopefully, they can do the same for me.
• To continue to lose weight. I'm down from 258-259 to 218.6 now. That's about 40 pounds down so far as a result of more physical activity, a somewhat reduced caloric intake, changing my diet away from carbs and dairy, and perhaps a little bit of a side effect of illness (that part not so hot, I understand). This is more weight loss than I have ever managed on a diet or diet plus excercise program I have ever tried (and I have tried many) and I am not on any diet. My target weight right now is 200 pounds. I should probably get down to 165-180 according to the BMI folks, but I'll be happy getting back under 200. I bought my first size M piece of clothing in decades recently.... and my recent business suits are falling off me as are many pairs of pants, I'm punching holes in belts, and XXL shirts hang way too lose on me!

My old friend Wally is likely to be euthanised and given his final peace on Monday. We must be kind to him in his fading moments as we were to him in life and not prolong his life selfishly simply because we will miss him so very much. He has been a great companion, a kind soul, and he deserves whatever kindness we may return.

Wally, I am glad to have had you as part of my life.

 
 

A Fading Friend

 

Wally the Cat, pictured in his sweater in the left column of this blog, is fading. He's down to 7 pounds from 11, is mostly skin and bone, isn't moving around much (although he did come to see me when I entered the Hopetown house yesterday) and he's very ginger and slow moving. The vet believes it is liver cancer and he's basically got a few days, but that was a few days ago and he hung in through Christmas Day (thankfully).

Wally came to us as a stray, obviously dropped off at the neighbouring farm. He was our first long-haired cat. He was covered in cow manure and needed shorn to get rid of the tangles and caked on manure. But even on the first day, it was obvious he was a gentle soul; He got up that first day on my chest and I felt like I had a small furry soul-brother. I still do. He's been there when I've been jilted, depressed, suffering from loss and trauma. And the thought of losing him is a sad one indeed for all of us at the Barclay household.

Once can console oneself that he was given a good life, good care, and lots of love - all true. But that won't fill the void he'll leave when goes. When you sit and stroke him, you just feel the stress and hurt ebb away. He's that sort of an animal - one that helps you let go of your pains. Mom, Dad and I will all really miss him.

Christmas is a special time where we think of friends. I have so many I frequently can't see all of them as frequently as I want but they are all in my thoughts. I've had many furry ones over the years and Wally has been a true friend through thick and thin. The great blessing of my life are the wonderful people that have populated it and shared of their kind hearts with me. It's at times of great loss that we think of all the others we care about who remain and remember to tell them that we care about them and are grateful for them.

Well, if you are one of my friends, you should know that I am thinking of you, I am grateful for your friendship and I wish I could be better a friend than I am able to at times. I hope that our friendship continues for many, many years to come.